break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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