Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
