We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
