I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
