Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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