When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
