You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
