Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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