There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
