when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
