The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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