I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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