My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
