he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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