Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
