just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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