I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
