i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
