Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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