An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
