we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I need water and some morals
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
