My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
