im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
