i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
