i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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