Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
