so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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