Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
