Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
