Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
