dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize