did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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