we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
