When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
