I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
