it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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