i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
