Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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