it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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