she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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