Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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