I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Is it because I queefed?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
