He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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