I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I deserve this hangover.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just puked most of my soul out..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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