i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
