Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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