so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
