i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
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