maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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