fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
