I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
