I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
