Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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