Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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