I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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