Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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