Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
