break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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