so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
