Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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