dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My ass is underappreciated
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Randomize
