I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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